Go now, and laugh your bloomin arse off.

If you want to read the funniest blog of all time, go here.

so tired

We got into it a little last night anyhow, because he kept pushing my buttons. I tried to keep it simple and civil and just keep moving forward, but that wasn't an acceptable option.

Why can't men communicate effectively? Or maybe, why can't any man I've ever dated, or considered marrying, communicate effectively?

Is it me? I don't know. Maybe.

I'm feeling really scared right now. I might just be tired beyond measure, as I didn't sleep at all last night.

I'm off to clean house and plan wedding stuff. More on the fear of God I'm feeling when I post next.

Pullllleeeze give me a little tiny break. Pulleeeze.

I'm at my wits end.

I'm under a lot of pressure. From all over. Every direction.

Yeah, I know, so is everyone. But this is a little different. And I've tried to be reasonable. Make a little bit of time for myself and the things I love, so I'll be recharged, geared up, and have the moxy to finish what I need to do. But it's been really hard. I've been pretty goddam depressed and overwhelmed for a long time. To put this into perspective, I've always been one to celebrate the tiniest joys in life, and I reflected back recently on a conversation I was having with a colleague when I said, in the midst of a few glasses of wine, "I'm so sick of hearing so much news every hour of every day that creates worry, or sadness, or destress, or panic, or God only knows what horrible feeling." I realized a couple days later that I'd really been searching for some simplistic peace of mind for awhile. This made me really focus on finding balance, and making effort to not being such a tyrant about getting things done.

But I still can't get a break. Here's the kind of shit that happens to me.... I came home today after a really nutty day at work, and I started the washer, changed, and took the dogs for a mile walk. Got them home, jumped into the car, and headed over to my parents for dinner. (My mom called me just as I left work and invited me for dinner, and I didn't have the heart to say no-thank-you because I'd already turned her down this week, and truthfully, I love going to hang out with my family. So even though it was likely a poor choice of time when I have so much to do, I figured in the long run it would be best to go.) I planned to be there from 6ish to 7:30ish, then head home to do an exercise video, clean for a good three or so hours, and then head to bed. Now the deal worked out better than anticipated. My sister had just put dinner on the table as I walked in. Perfect timing! (My sister is the most kick-ass cook EVER. She makes everything wonderful. I like to call her Martha Stewart.) After dinner she and I did some hardcore DDR for a good 30+ minutes. Then, we grabbed my parents' dogs and ran out for a mile jog. This negated my need to do the exercise video, thereby freeing up some time. So I stayed until 8 and really enjoyed my time with them. I headed out, wishing to God that people would stop asking me so many questions about the wedding when I'm busy thinking about a big meeting with a customer tomorrow at 2 pm. I got asked wedding questions by 4 people at work. Then my sister. Then my dad. Yes, I realize that they have no idea when I'm worried about big meetings with customers creeping up the following day. I don't expect anyone to be mind readers. This is why I resist the urge to scream, fall to the floor, kick everything around me, and then immediately move to Guam to escape the many sources of demand in my life right now. So I answer everyone calmly, and do sincerely appreciate that they each both care, and are curious. This makes me feel very loved. It's the overwhelmed thing that I can't handle.

Anyhow, here's the punchline. I get home, greet my dogs, and decide that since I bought myself some time, I'm going to treat myself to a hot bath. This will not only be relaxing, but it will save time in the morning. Excellent. Efficiency and progress are making me feel a teensy bit happy inside. So I take a serious breather. Pray. Unload all my huge huge huge worries, and decide that I am going to try my DAMNDEST to block stress from my head during my bath. I grab a book, run the bath, and sink into a cloud of tension-melting heat. After about 20 minutes, I can feel the heat having penetrated my bones, and my whole body relaxed. It was bliss. The book kept my mind busy.

Then, there goes the phone. I put the book down, climb part of the way out of the tub to reach it, and answer. It's my darling better half. He first acknowedges that I'm in the tub, because he can hear the "echo" sound when I speak, along with an occasional blurb of moving water. We have about 5.2 seconds of chit chat, and he informs me that his friend, whose wife is doing our flowers, called him to request that I get with the wife to order what I need. He goes on to inform me that he told his friend I'd contact the wife TOMORROW and get it all set. My blood pressure immediately goes up. I'm overcome, once again, with stress, fear, anger, frustration, and just plain feeling overwhelmed.

Forget that he KNOWS my sister and I have been stopping in to florists to work on this task. Forget that he KNOWS I'm juggling between two ideas for bouquets. Forget that I asked him to decide what he wants for boutinerres, and he's advised of no preference whatsoever. Forget that we've talked about needing to pinpoint the cake deal so we know if we want flowers on top of it. Forget that he knows full well I've been clipping pictures and working on this for days, and I've certainly not mentioned being ready. This florist needs to order the flowers 6 - 8 weeks before the wedding, and we're just past the 10 week mark. I'm not late. But now, as similar to every day, I have to take the tasks and problems already lamenting in my head and weighing down my soul to the point of serious mental and emotional crises, and somehow completely make all the decisions about the flowers, wrap up the paperwork and pictures, scan and prepare everything, and get with this woman sometime before the end of the business day. My calendar right now has 4 meetings on it, that occupy most of the day, literally. Where the hell to I pull time to do this? So I'm immediately thrown back into the mental state I had previous to all my effort to calm down and take a break from the grind enough to gather my thoughts and be productive.

Why don't I just ask him to do it? Well, seeing as I asked him two or three weeks ago to pick out a font from a list of only about 30 options, if not just narrow it down to his favorites, and he still hasn't bothered to even LOOK at them, I'm thinking it's a lost cause.

I will have to put on my super heroine cape, hose down at lest six fires tomorrow, drive home ragged and exhausted, and meet my list of crap to do over the weekend. All this after not being able to sleep tonight.

Why does he make committments on my behalf without speaking to me? Why does he think it appropriate to poke the bear when the bear is obviously trying to escape for a half hour? Why didn't he suggest that the florist wife call me OVER THE WEEKEND. She's getting paid to do this. It's what she does. Why do I have to be forced to roll myself into a funny shape and fit into her schedule? And most importantly, why doesn't he give a shit?

Because he just doesn't. That's why. He's watched me juggle everything with at least a minute amount of grace for years, and he expects me to be invincible. That, and he cares more about the florist's feelings and circumstances far more than mine. He proved that when he asked me about a month ago exactly how much work she was going to do because he was concerned it was too much for her. Nice. He's done the dishes about 12 times in the past year, and helped me clean the bedroom maybe twice, and that's pretty much it. But he's worried that the florist, who by the way doesn't work outside her home, and doesn't want her to be "stressed out." His words. Honest.

Why can't he grow a set and let his friend know that I've been dealing with a lot lately, and he happens to know I've been working on the issue. Why can't he say, wait until Sunday and I'll let you know where she's at? Because he doesn't have a protective bone in his body, possibly lacks a SPINE, and truly just doesn't care about how I feel, which he's proved a million times over.

Nope. He'd rather just unload all the pressure on me and make sure everyone else is okay.

Most women would have freaked out. I can't stoop that low. At least not very often. I'm sure occasionally I let him have it when I just can't restrain it. I stayed quiet, and basically ignored the situation. Then changed the subject. I mean really, I'm already hurt and feeling horrible. If we argue, I will only feel worse, as he NEVER is comforting when I lose my patiences, only defensive, and then he'll feel crappy too. Where's the good in that? I never even seem to feel better after "blowing off some steam." It doesn't work that way for me.

How will I fix this? Well, I won't. I will continue efforts to streamline my responsibilities, become a little more direct with what he's supposed to do to carry his own weight with shared responsibilities, and resort to turning the fucking phone OFF completely when I try to escape the wrath of life for 30 minutes. Oh, and I will rejoice like you've never seen when this wedding is overwith. Over. With.

Another good quote...

This spoken by Imperfectly:

"i just listen to the president rattle on and on about how our country should be spreading liberty and freedom to all countries...i.e. iraq and the middle east.
he went on saying that every person longs for freedom.

and then 5 minutes later a journalist asked him if he thought it would benefit children of gay couples if their parents would be given the FREEDOM to get married.
his response :
i believe marriage is between a man and a woman.
next question.

nice.
so we are fighting for liberty and freedom in a foreign country.
how can we teach something we dont even practice at home ????"

And it applies to so many things. We have starving people right here. We have ill people right here. This is home of the free and the brave, but a huge number have no health care. Our senior citizens struggle on what little they get from social security, and future generations don't even have that to count on.

But, we are spending millions to rebuild a government in another country. I'm not saying we shouldn't help, or really even that the war is wrong. (Although I do believe that, it's not the point here.) My point is only this: Let's take care of what we have at home, so America is stronger, and then go out and fight evils elsewhere with a stronger and more pronounced vengeance. Maybe not "terrorism" with an undertone of oil money opportunity, but evils that are worth fighting.

A little perplexed - (part two of two)

Here is what made my hair stand on end. Please read the following entry written by this 23-ish year old law student (grammar and punctuation not corrected):

"Profile of A Loser.

I thought about it. It was a passing hello. And to be honest I didn't even recognize you. I gave my usual law school, "Hey how are you" to a first year student and he said, "what's going on?" But it wasn't a first year student and coming out of the Buzz bar was something, not even a person I forgot to remember.

So, it appears everything was for no reason. I didn;t even recognize it on the street. And here is my profile.

A profile of a loser. A profile of you.

A 23 year old, stuck working the rest of his life in a coffee shop. With no chance of ever graduating a real school. Maybe "clown" college sponsored by Mabelline is considered by some non-ficticious. I think it is just pathetic. I mean really.

Someone who always takes. Does not give. Just wants yet can never achieve. Is gifted yet forgets how to use his gifts and somehow always thinks of the next free ride and the next thing. Well, I guess that is some. I guess sometimes people can be so covered up in their own lies and deceit and self-love that they actually start to believe their own bullshit. I guess dreams can be reality.

Suck the life and money and time out of things. When you are done move on. People always say that people should move on. And maybe I'm a real motherfucker ya know? But truth is truth and there is no arguing with results.

But I think in reality you and everything else is just as meaningless as the thousands of other 23 year old nothings that expect everything and do nothing. With your individual want for uniqueness you become lost in the crowd of the truly similar. Trapped inside a maze of ecclectic talentless wastes. Taking from the next one.

That is a true profile of you."

For Pete's sake, where the hell do you even begin to discuss the ridiculousness here? Because "truth is truth" we should all judge those with different talents and opportunities?

This is honestly, without a doubt, the single most HEARTLESS pile of sick judgment I've ever seen. Ever.

This author is young, and in law school. He's not only part of the future by being a young man in today's time, but he's part of the future of applied law. I am truly sick to my stomach at the thought. Do his parents have any idea of what sort of person he is or is becoming?

I'm guessing, that this self-righteous, self proclaimed "motherfucker" lives at home. Has a job, but one similar to an internship, aside from his music.

I'm guessing he's NEVER worked a day in a coffee shop. He has no idea what goes into it, or what on earth people might like about holding that job.

What is most disturbing of all by far is I believe in karma. I believe that what goes around comes around. And if this is how this young man views the world around him and the people in it, I fear for his happiness as time marches forward.

So let’s consider this new proposed definition of a “loser,” shall we? One who:
Takes but does not give.
Wants yet can never achieve.
Is gifted yet forgets how to use his gifts.
Always thinks of the next free ride.
Sucks life, money, and time.

Do you know what this sounds like to me?

ANY GODDAMN 23 YEAR OLD COLLEGE STUDENT, PARTICULARLY IN A PROFESSIONAL PROGRAM.

I would just love to call the parents of this sad young man who wrote these words for the public and ask them to describe their son, who again, I’m certain lives at home. I bet you that ALL the above would apply. But somehow, it’s different when it refers to the “rest of the world” where each member lacks credentials such as being a “law student.”

Remember this young man’s name, ladies and gentlemen. For there may be a time you need to avoid the most festering of asshole attorneys, and there may be a time when that’s all that will possibly do for you. Either way, you’ll want to remember this young man. He’s clearly proven he fits the bill.

A little perplexed. (Part one of two.)

I often search law blogs. Law has always been my biggest passion.

I peered at one today that made my hair stand on end. It wasn't the first, but I think it may be the worst.

Now let me first say that this author isn't alone. I have a whole folder in "my favorites" of links to law blogs that I thought were interesting until I realized just how unbelievably rude and self righteous some of them are. So each time a former favorite would just get to the point where it cut into people way too deep, I'd move the link to this folder and quit reading it.

A recent example of this is the following that was posted here:

"Do -NOT- Email Me
Apparently I have to make it *crystal* clear for some people. I intentionally do not list an e-mail address anywhere on this blog. I turned off the comments because people were using them to ask me questions about studying for the Bar Exam. So why on earth do some people think I would want them to figure out my e-mail address by whatever means and e-mail me a question?

Hello, I'm working at a large law firm. It's not like I have a lot of free time. I passed the Bar. I don't think about it anymore. I created this blog for my personal entertainment/diversion, not to help other people study or answer anyone's questions, except when I had a whim and it was while I was still studying.

If you want advice about the Bar, buy Eve's forthcoming book. But whatever you do, don't e-mail me."

Now this one is especially precious, because if you look back to an extremely early post in February 2005, this author clearly addresses the idea of GETTING advice from others, who have presumably passed the bar exam and/or are employed. This, mind you, BEFORE she's well into her study program and has taken the exam. This is what she had to say: "Thanks for taking the time to comment and offer the advice, and I know everyone else who reads the blog appreciates it too!"

The word in there is "too." "Everyone else...appreciates it too." Too means "also." Although she's not soliciting advice, she's admitting in plain English that she's appreciative of it, and makes no mistake about identifying it as being welcome.

What a contrast to a year later after she's passed the exam! Holy mother of God. Now it's "Hello. I'm working at a large law firm. It's not like I have a lot of free time." How dare people expect her to give back to the world after she's taken all the advice and encouragement she needed?

People, this to me, is a pure and classic example of an unmistakeable BITCH.

No, I've not studied completely for the bar, although I have quite a few books on it I've parused and I'm contemplating the activity for later this calendar year. But, I have studied and worked my ass off for everywhere my career has gone. All. On. My. Own. I didn't even publish a site telling the general public that I'd appreciate advice and/or encouragement from anyone else who has made it as an accomplished female engineer in the automotive industry. Do you know what I consider is the best part of my career thus far? It's sure not all the new technology I've worked on, or any of the cost saves I've implemented, or any new material changes, etc. etc. Nope. It's all the people I got to MENTOR and HELP. That's where my biggest, most important successes are. When I see an intern learning how to properly read a print or model a part, and I have a chance to help her/him out. When I see an admin struggling to understand customer policies and expectations and I have a chance to explain it in translated laymans terms. That's where life is rewarding in ANY career.

As a matter of fact, it was just today that I had a young engineer review a part I specified for him to use, and he wrote back saying a portion of the component was not sized correctly. He was reading the print wrong. So I explained to him that he was looking at dimensions for something else, and the original part would be fine. He was understandably embarrassed. Those are the kind of engineering mistakes that cost companies MONEY, and make cars so darned expensive. When he expressed his embarrassment, I told him that it would be our secret, and not to worry about it. We all made mistakes every once in awhile. Now the point here is not that I have something to hold over his head, or that I caught a mistake, or that he made a mistake. The point is that now this human being knows he can TRUST and DEPEND on me. This, friends, is so God damn priceless in this world we live in. As Norm said on Cheers, "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing MilkBone underwear." How many people do YOU know that have made it up the corporate ladders faster by knocking others down and pointing out shortcomings so as to make themselves look better?

Does this 2005 California Bar Exam starlet think that she's a better attorney for publicly humiliating people who had respect and admiration enough to contact her for advice? Because if she does, she's wrong. It makes her a sorry case indeed. A sorry excuse for a human with a heart.

And one last note - blogs have a specific use and purpose in this world. They are used for networking, friendships, etc. In a nutshell, that's COMMUNICATION. If you don't want your blog to be used as a means of communication, check the boxes that make it unsearchable. Do not pass forward the link to it. Better yet, make it a private blog and give your closest friends and family the password. But don't start out welcoming public opinion and advice for your own betterment, then tell the public to kiss your ass when you've finally acheived the goals you set out to accomplish with the advice and help you received in the first place. Shoot, if she didn't want people to read and communicate anymore, why did she continue to post? (Remember: "It's not like I have a lot of free time...") Take the effing blog down and move on with your big, successful, and likely lonely and miserable, new career. Good luck when you get disbarred because ethics is not a strong point for you.

Oh, wait. That's right. She took the CALIFORNIA bar exam. Nevermind. They take anyone. If anyone reading feels like practicing law in California, don't worry. the whole curriculum is offered ONLINE. Seriously. No lie. I looked for a law program that had SOME classes online, just to make life a little easier, and I was morbidly shocked to find an entire law degree online, but only if you want to practice in California. Why? Oh, easy. California doesn't require the same ACCREDITATION standards as other states do. That made me look into the differences between California and other states with regard to the bar, history, standards, etc. Let me just tell you that while no bar exam is easy, the California deal is the easiest. Our little 2005 Cali Bar Exam starlet didn't mention taking any OTHER bar exams.

I got way off track here. My point was just to share an example of the handful of these law blogs are loved for some time and then get banished into this vast abyss of a folder I have for their safekeeping after I'm too disgusted by the authors to continue being an avid reader.

The whole blog that began this rant shall now be the topic of part two of this post to appear shortly.

kisses to her tiara

I absoultely LOVE this quote from CP:

I have a very hard time understanding why Clinton was nearly impeached for getting his dick sucked, when George W. Bush has been fucking EVERY AMERICAN in the ass and getting away with it on a daily basis. I need to understand why impeachment of a President is taken as a personal affront to the party said President is affiliated with. If that is the case, who is watching out for the good of the American people as opposed to their own interests?

Amen, my wonderful jewish princess friend. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I can identify so well with her wonderful way of describing her self portrait as a liberal democrat, but holding several republican values. Go check her out if you have time. She's a great read. So glad I found her. So nice to find birds of a feather...

engulfed in sadness and uncertainty

I mentioned the "goings on" at my workplace many months ago. I couldn't risk even putting in print that we'd been acquired. But now it's been announced and press released, so it's fair game.

Last Friday, two wonderfully talented women were let go. Today, there have been 5 executives that I know of, including my supervisor. My supervisor reported directly to the VP, who was also acting President, who also jumped ship about 3 weeks ago. So I have nobody to report to. I will continue business as usual, but this is very uncomfortable.

Many tasks are going to be seriously hampered. Such as... Getting purchase requisitions approved, and the like. There is literally nobody "above" me in this building anymore.

My boss was a great person. I'll miss him a ton, and hope that he brings a copy of my resume with him where ever he goes... Just in case.

What an uncomfortable environment this has become. I'll hold onto the good old days with both hands, but still, this sucks.

The potluck turned out alright. I ran up to the local grocery and got a bucket of chicken. It worked out great. Of course, it was a strange atmosphere, and given the crew that I work with, the experience was peppered with jokes about it being the "last supper" and "an opportunity for HR to pack our desks upstairs."

Hey, if you can't laugh, what are you left with?

OMG Potluck....

I thought the potluck I signed up for was next Thursday. Because I thought next Thursday was the 16th. Not so. It's today.

I shall be running out prior to lunch to grab something of a store made nature to fulfill my obligation.

Dammit - why don't people use Outlook calendar entries for these things? If it's on my calendar, I know what I'm supposed to do.

This is why I respect administrative people so much. Those people have the gift to keep their own shit straight and keep other people together too. I can't even keep myself together much of the time...

Justice for Munchkins

What a great day. A huge child porn ring was busted, resulting in several arrests, and hopefully the end to some serious molestation, and the guy who killed poor Carly Bruscia was sentenced to death. Excellent.

the latest hype heading for court

I was just reading some wonderful thoughts over at L's place on the latest issue in court regarding whether or not a man can wiggle out of child support if he didn't want the child in the first place. This issue is so interesting I can't wait to see how it shakes out.

My personal opinion is the whole thing is crap. Just plain wrong. I don't believe for a minute that any man of reproductive age can have sex with a woman yet remain completely void of the knowledge that sex is the means of creating a child. I also don't believe for a minute that any man of reproductive age is unaware of the bizarre circumstances documented on a regular basis of birth control failing, women previously thought barren suddenly becoming pregnant, etc. It's just bullshit. Everybody knows those things happen. And, everybody knows that on occasion humans LIE, so even if it wasn't an occurrence with the likelihood of a snowball surviving in hell, he may have believed a line of crap she fed him. I don't even feel bad if that were the situation. He still took the chance.

I understand the argument that a woman can choose to keep a child despite a man's opposing wishes. I really do. But I don't agree with it. When a man argues his lack of choice in keeping cells containing half his DNA multiplying in a woman's uterus, he's forgetting that he had the CHOICE to put his sperm there in the first place. It was a choice to take the risk that it would result in a pregnancy. It was a CHOICE. And he made it. Just as she made the choice to risk becoming pregnant and being faced with important decisions to make, including the possibility of birthing and caring for a child.

I sympathize with the frustration, shock, and all other emotions that likely hit a man when he finds out he's caused a completely unintended pregnancy, but if he was man enough to have sex, he's man enough to deal with the emotions and deal with the situation before 9 months have passed.

No documentation exists to my knowledge of a man ever legally gaining power to force a woman to abort a child. It's never happened. So I'm thinkin it shouldn't be a sudden shock to the male human population that they don't have the power to reverse a previous decision made to deposit semen. Duh.

And while I'm at it, I do think it's a terrible injustice that a woman can choose an abortion if a man opposes it. It's his child too. If he can't force the abortion, she shouldn't be able to either.

But since she CAN choose to keep or discard a fetus, and he can't, this case might have some merit in court. I can't wait to see what happens.

Now of course, there is one rare exception that I really do agree that a man should be able to get relief from support payments... If a man is raped by a woman, which does happen, then I don't think he should be held responsible for a resultant child. However, the flipside stands too... As L so eloquently pointed out, if a 12 year old is raped, she should not be forced to carry the child. Rape is a very significant exception to all rules here.

Thoughts? Opposing or otherwise?

blog surfing

I was tinkering online and figured I'd play until 7:30. It's almost 9. I better get cranking.

The Perfect Gown!

I spent some time at lunch looking for the dress I found on Saturday, so I could show my bridesmaids what it looked like. I never found it, but I did find the one I wanted. It was so perfect. Simple, elegant, and perfect. Only one boutique in Michigan carried it. So immediately after work, I went out to this boutique and it was there.

I feel bad telling the other woman that I've changed my mind on the one I saw Saturday, but I have to have the one I found today.

If you're curious, click here and scroll down to style number T8081 at the bottom right. I can't post it because my better half might read my blog, and he knows better than to click the link!!

The expressions said it all...

So I invited the family to see this dress I found yesterday. And nobody looked too excited about it when I came out of the dressing room. Clearly the dress is mediocre at best.

Then the whole excursion very quickly turned to a search for bridesmaid's shoes and a mother of the bride gown.

Yep. It wasn't a head turner for others either. But I think I'm stuck with it. Dammit big boobs.

Wow. Not a bad day at all.

I'm getting past the grief, regret, guilt, and all the other unbelievable mess of emotion from losing Oliver.

Today, not only did I run into a long lost friend who I've tried to find through every channel known to humankind, but I also found a contender for a wedding gown. I'm not completely sold on it because it seems a little busy, but at least it sort of fit. (The chest is still tight.)

My good friend Anita, who lived two streets away throughout junior high and high school, got married. Thus changed her last name. Her parents moved from two streets over to Kentucky somewhere. I lost contact with her during my first marriage (from hell) and I've seriously done every google search, looked on classmates and every similar source to find people, and looked in every "phone book" type site. Today, I didn't even feel like leaving the house in the morning. But, there she was in the middle of the mall, and a half hour later I found a potential dress.

Oh, and bought shoes too!

Then we had dinner at Green Lantern. Not exactly healthy, but good. Had a healthy yet recurring debate about dogs with my father. That's a story for another day.

....Outraged.....

I found this over at Karen's site. Please read and show your support if you agree.

"KateSpot asked my help in spreading the word about another soldier who died; his family is being harrassed by that SOB Fred Phelps and his crew. This group sickens me to the core. These men and women gave their lives for our country and it’s not right that they’re not allowed to mourn without harrassment; those who died deserve the utmost respect and so do their families. Please stop by A Soldiers Perspective to lend your support and help spread the word. Thanks."

There is no way I can put into words how disgusted this Phelps guy makes me. So I'll just stay quiet.

I heard about a motorcycle gang that would come keep these guys at bay if the families desired their services. I think that's incredible. If I find any info online I'll post here for everyone.

RIP Oliver

My sweet dog has gone to Rainbow Bridge, as they say. The details hurt too bad to even write about. I will miss him so much, and I hope that saving another life might make up for him having to lose his the way he did.

If anyone reading this has any inclination to feel the most amazing love and peace and sense of purpose in your life, go to an animal shelter today and spring someone with four legs from death row. It will be a relationship you can't read about. You have to live it.

I went to lunch today with one of my very best friends, Hil. She grew up in Norway and the culture is very different with regard to personal pets. So she couldn't understand the pain, but she was still wonderfully sweet and really did make me feel better. I appreciated her beyond measure today. But here's why I really brought her and our lunch date up.... We were driving back and she was talking about getting a cat someday, especially if she ever has a child. However, she was also saying that she doesn't want to get one now. She went on about hair, and mess, and etc. And in regard to visiting her boyfriend's relatives homes who have cats, she said this:

Hair in my nose, hair on my clothes, hair every---where.

How Dr. Suess is that? It was the first time I felt the natural urge to smile in so many hours. It felt good. I love you Hilde.

And I loved you, Mr. Ollie Olliver, the White Fang Chief. I loved the way you insisted on riding on the center counsel of the car, the way you jumped up and down when you barked, and I also loved that you were so fearless. So spirited. So perfect. I will make this up to you somehow. I promise I tried to do the right thing for you all the time. I never meant for you to be hurt. You can never know how sorry I am that you got hurt, or how painful it is to let go of you. It hurts everywhere.

I remember how bad you stunk when I got you from that horrible shelter that smelled like burnt death. I remember how you were limp and lifeless and scared until I managed to pull you out the door, and then you went crazy with zest for life and appreciation for a second chance. You made more noise than a pack of starving lions and ran so crazy you practically convulsed. Then you peed so much it melted a square foot spot in the snow. I counted on having years of your company. Your bad habits never mattered. Your love made up for everything. I will never forget you.

Feeling a little better...

I had the WORST food poisoning in history. But... I lost a couple pounds, so that's not so bad. Let's see if it stays off now that I'm emerging back into the normal world of solid food. I missed work Thursday and Friday. This is not typical behavior in my world. I almost NEVER miss work unless I have some sort of diagnosed illness that isn't fair to expose coworkers to.

I can drink water, at least. Coffee isn't even appetizing. Can you believe that?