A Dialog

A guy who I consider to be a very good friend and a very important part of my past recently seemed to get two steps beyond the bitter and angry status he took on a couple years ago. I'd just figured he was crabby and had a newfound thing against women. But it's become personal. Interesting, eh? The thing is, I'm not sure whether to just walk away and leave it alone, not caring that I really don't feel like we're on good terms, or to push the issue and try to force communication, which would either make it all worse or make it better. It's a roll of the dice. And, of course, there is also my frustration that he didin't really listen to me at all, but rather drew inappropriate conclusions from sources other than my actual words. Because, as you'll see, his conclusions don't match my words at all...

Here is his original blog posting that fell in line with how he's sounded about women every time I've talked to him in the past couple years....

"See, the problem is that I'm trying to date a certain type of girl. I figure that if I have been fortunate enough not to have had to marry someone for the wrong reasons, now is not the time to settle. I'm looking for the entire package and I understand that it's not easy to find. But.....

On occasion I do come across girls that I am really interested in dating. Some, like myself unfortunately, have had similar backgrounds and are at a similar point in their lives. The difference, well, I am still interested in dating, and I am willing to compromise and make time to date. The girls I seem to be attracted to though, well, they're still pretty much attention whores that would rather spend their time updating their myspace page than having a fun night out. It funny that single, sexy, and early 20's equals fun and excitement but sexy, late 20's, and single usually equals issue plagued, frigid, and boring. I think I'll stick to the early 20's girls myself.

It's somewhat ironic. Now, I'm well aware of my past, as most anybody who knows me is, but doesn't anybody look to the future? Most girls claim to want one thing and then spend their time pursuing the complete opposite. The fortunate part is that while I may be attracted to these women at first, when I see that they don't know how to get what they want or don't know what they want, then I realize I'm better off without them anyway.

I'll stay unmarried forever if the best I can find is what I've been finding lately. Fortunately, while money can't buy happiness, it can rent it!"

Here is the response I gave him:

I've been confused by this post since I read it over a month ago... You say you want a certain "type" of girl, and for the moment we'll ignore that you use the word "girl," and then you say you want the "entire package." I'm with you so far. Go Michael Go. Get on wit yo bad self.

But then we get to where you compare and contrast two groups of women. You've identified them as late 20's and early 20's. Fair enough. What do you think makes the "early 20's" fun, exciting, and sexy? Is it because they have more time and energy? Less inhibitions? Less responsibility? I would totally agree with that. Right on. (Gawd I miss those days!)

Is that what you want in a wife? Cuz if it is, that's cool. I'm just not convinced that's what you meant by the aforementioned phrase "entire package." I have a lot of guy friends. I've always had more guy friends than girl friends. When I hear other guys your age talk about the "entire package," it's way different than the attributes you've listed for the "early 20's." I hear other guys say things like... Smart, educated, fun, caring, successful, sophisticated, knows what she wants, and "has her shit together."

I find it really ironic that you say "most" women claim they want one thing yet chase the opposite, yet you are the one looking for the entire package yet referring to a fun night out. I am of the mind that those are opposites, too. You will possibly never find a package if you are looking for a fun night out. They aren't the same. Once every seventh blue moon a fun night ends up revealing an "entire package" and two people live happily ever after. Not common. You wouldn't look for a skateboard at a bookstore, would you? Then don't look for a serious girlfriend at Woody's. It's not much different. If you want a package, look for a package. Be mindful of what a package EXPECTS. Good, bad, or indifferent, the early 20's and late 20's don't have the same expectations. I would expect the term "fun night out" to bode well with early 20's. If I were still single, I likely wouldn't bother with a guy who was openly looking for "a fun night out." At least not if he phrased it that way. If a guy asked for a dinner or coffee companion, or a movie date, I'd think he was looking for conversation and might be interested in who I am. Not in sharing a "fun night out." Which incidentally, every girl at every age knows is better with a group of girlfriends than a guy. You know the saying... Men go to the bar to meet women, but women go to the bar to dance. It is still very much necessary to woo a woman who is the whole package. "Fun night" implies a short term, temporary thing. You are absolutely right. If given the choice between a quiet night at home and a "fun night out" as you've described it, most late 20's would pick the quiet night at home. Why should we waste our time? It's no longer exciting after a certain point to have a cute face with a sexy voice and nice muscles buy us dinner and a bottle of wine. We get to the point where we can do that ourselves. We just want someone to share it with. Someone special who we trust and love, and give ourselves to unconditionally and uninhibited. It's no longer about the excitement, or the attention, or the affection. Or even about the chance to call our best friends when we get home (or the next morning!) to tell all about our fairytale "fun night" date. We're so over it. We want something bigger by this point. Something you can't just "find" but something you have to MAKE.

And before I step off the subject of irony... How about this comparison? Attention whores, yet plagued, frigid and boring. Hmm. That just doesn't work for me. Is she an attention whore? Or is she plagued, frigid, and boring? You can't be both. Unless your name is Sybil. I've dated a few male versions of Sybil. Run away! Psycho is NOT good. That kind of psycho will lead to very expensive divorce attorneys. Run…away…

Just as food for thought... I've never thought of myself as plagued, frigid, or boring. Okay, maybe slightly plagued. I'm a little bit of a workaholic. But not boring and good Christ never frigid. But when I think really hard at how I would respond to a guy who seemed to not really be serious... That's EXACTLY the impression I'd leave him with. It's sort of an updated version of, "sorry, not tonight. I have to _____" (Insert one of many options: wash my hair, finish my doctoral thesis, organize a charity event, get a pedicure, etc.)

You'd be surprised how many hot, sexy women your own age with similar background & history would really be compatible with you. Don't think for a minute any of them will be wooed by the same sort of "date" activitiy that they were when they were in their early or mid twenties. They all “done growed up” now. There is no time left for games. They aren’t willing to play. If you strike up a conversation and then have a great date with a "late 20's" and then mistakedly drunk dial her days later, she will not bother with you again. She will see that you are still in an earlier phase of life, which she no longer has time or attention for, and she will drop you like a hot ass potato. She will leave you for the "early 20's" to enjoy. And she will wish you well with all the sincerity a human can have in her heart.

Disclaimer: There’s one exception. A "late 20's" who got bored, needed a lift, was celebrating rebound status, etc. and decided SHE needed a "fun night." Expect one, two, maybe three dates, and she's done with you. It's just not what late 20's do in a serious sense. And when she's done with you, she'll come off as tired, busy, and just not willing to be "bothered" anymore. Sorry. I know it's horrible. But it's what happens. I’ve honestly never done this to anyone, but I know several who do it on a regular basis.

Don't think that when I say there is "no time left for games" that these "late 20's" are hot for marriage and children and a white picket fence. There may be a couple of those, but not very many. The vast majority of late 20's want a whole lot of shit done way before any babies come, and the vast majority will buy her own damn white picket fence, as well as a house to stick in the middle of it. Real women don't typically look for someone to take care of them in the traditional 1950's sense. There's no time left for games because these women have learned that games is such an abominable waste of time that they have BETTER things to do, and just aren't interested in spending their time that way. They'd rather spend their time growing in a million other ways, and becoming better, so when they do meet a real Prince Charming, they're done livin single and ready to settle down and share a life. These are the few unmarried women you see in your graduate classes. They wear business suits, and the bling they wear they bought themselves. (Cue Charlie's Angels theme song.) Make no mistake. These women have a side to them so uninhibited you'll never forget it if you ever catch a glimpse of it. If they come off cold at first, remind yourself that you'd be guarded too, if you had one too many guys you thought were absolutely perfect go and drunk dial you only a few days after a perfect date. Lots of flowers don't open up in the morning until they know the warmth they feel is really the sunshine. You can't fool em. They need time to trust you, and you need time to trust them, admit it or not. The best things in life happen slow. By design. So you appreciate it all more, and really have an opportunity to work for something worth the effort. If I were a guy, knowing what I know, I'd take a 34 year old professional in something satin from Saks on the 12th date than a 22 year old in cotton Victoria's Secret Pink on the 2nd date. It's almost like comparing the preparation, quest, victory, and memory of climbing the Grand Canyon to Mt. Everest. The Grand Canyon is exciting and you can do it in a weekend. Mt Everest takes a lifetime to prepare for and you never forget it. I'm not knockin either one. They're both great. They're just hugely different.

So back to the original question – “What happened to Dating?” Yeah. Dating used to be a process by which a person learned what he/she really wanted in a mate, as well as sort of “weeded out” people until someone came along that clicked and was so hugely compatible that they lived happily ever after. A man would go fetch his lady and escort her out where they would have fun and create wonderful memories while getting to know each other better every minute. They’d share conversation about their lives, their families, and what was most important to them. If he was lucky, he’d get to kiss her goodnight. If things went well, they’d go out again. Now? Dating includes that, sometimes, but more often it’s just… wait for it…. A “fun night out.”

Here's where things get crazy. I didn't realize he posted any response until recently. A friend of his posted something about me being a "genius." To which he replied the following:

"Really? My impression was just that she liked taking the long way to get to her point. Her point being "older chicks are better". Of course, an older chick is going to say that, she really doesn't have an option, she has to be old. Luckily, in my dating life, I've had the option. I can date younger or older. I'll stick with my choices. Besides, who's going to make my babies if I'm going to Father any? Some 30 something woman? Great, so we're both too old to keep up with our kids.

I think she missed the whole point of "a fun night out." I wasn't talking about one-night-stands, I was talking about doing things together with someone of the opposite sex. Younger girls are interested in dating, going out, being spontaneous, older girls would rather take a bubble-bath, watch sex in the city, and bitch about men. Hey older girls (yes I said girls) don't bitch, some nice guys are out there trying to take you out and you're too clueless to enjoy it."

Now seriously, WTF? Where did I say anything that can be construed as "older chicks are better?" And better than what? Younger chicks? Did I ever line the two up and make a statement that one was better than the other in any way possible? Did I not glorify both equally enough? I really like the way he says "...she really doesn't have an option, she has to be old. Luckily, in my dating life, I've had the option." The option to be younger than he really is? I think not. And he happens to be older than I am. What was the intended point here? He goes on to talk about having the choice to date people older or younger than he. I've had those same choices.

Did I really refer to "one night stands?" I think not. As a matter of fact, I was not speaking sexually whatsoever.

I'm just as spontaneous now as I was when I was 19. In fact, likely moreso. (30 is definitely our prime, ladies!) I've never seen a full episode of Sex in the City. I've never declined an opportunity out that was worth taking advantage of for a bubble bath. And, I don't think I've ever really "bitched about men" in a general sense, and even if I have, I wouldn't do it on a date or to a guy I was interested in.

The whole slew of bullshit about a "30 something" not being able to carry a child should he "father" any won't even be addressed. I really think that was nothing more than an attempted cheap shot. It's not even worth talking about.

Now, before I go any further, let me place my personal perspective on the situation before anyone feels any need to "stick up for me." The facts are.... I'll always be younger than him. He's still pissed off that I scored higher on my ACT. I just got married, which incidentally was the second time, and he's yet to embark on the path of matrimony. I have prepared myself to take care of the financial portion of having a family. My children will have an education. If anything ever happens to either parent, the children will be well cared for. He's looking to score with someone in her young twenties, which, in all fairness, will not have allowed her any time to make the preparations I have. I finished my masters before him. I was on mortgaged home number 4 when he bought his first one. I have no personal offense at all by what he's written. My concerns are his twisted viewpoints in the first place, along with the accompanying bitterness, followed by his refusal to really read what I took the time to write to him, and ultimately, the thought of what will happen to him in years to come. I know he sounds really mean and vindictive. But that's not the issue I'm interested in.

So what do I do? Bother to write back? Ignore it all and walk away?