Saturday, June 23, 2007


This blog will now take on a dual role. It will not only capture my published thoughts and feelings about the world as it’s happening around me, when I bother to actually finish writing a piece and then bother to actually publish it, but it will also chart my training efforts. Training efforts to run a half marathon properly, as opposed to the way I did it last time, which left me literally near death. We’ll go further into that some other time.

For now, life is taking new shape for me. I am learning to be a bit selfish. Sounds far more like a bad thing than a good thing, I know. But all things considered, it’s actually far more good than bad. That’s probably something else I’ll write far more about as time goes on. For now, I’ll just say that the past several years of my life have been spent in large proportion helping charities, strangers, and taking care of everything and anything other than my body, soul, heart, and personal relationships. And by relationships, I mean all of the above: with myself, my husband, my family, my friends, and even God.

In addition to learning to be a little bit selfish and prioritize things that benefit me, like exercise and sleep and time with friends once in awhile, I’m also learning to live my own life, and treasure living my own life. When I have time to call a friend, for example, it’s all about hearing what he or she is doing. In part because I don’t really have much to share, and in part because I feel obligated to focus on the other person since we haven’t spoken in awhile. I feel awkward talking about myself, as if I’m worried the person will get bored with it or something. When I’m online, I spend my time leaving messages for parents of sick children who I follow and leave encouragement for, and reading dozens of blogs to see what others are doing, and possibly even live vicariously through them. Because they do just that; they live. I’ve been far too busy working and coasting through life on fumes.

That describes normal life for me over the past several years. (Yes, years!) But the past seven months have been even more drastic. In short, I tried to take in a sixteen year old girl as a foster child. (Or, rather, “we” did. I’m not alone in this by any means, although I did do the brunt of all the work of any kind.) To make a long story short, she went from an all “A” student to a rebellious monster who got suspended several times and eventually expelled. She pulled away from us because she fell in love with a boy who left much to be desired, got pregnant, got unpregnant, ran away, learned her biological family really is a freaking mess on feet, lived on the streets of the ghetto for five days, and is currently in a mental facility, where she will stay for a few more weeks, and then transfer to a slightly higher-security facility than where she was living when we were trying to take her into our house.

I will always be there for her. But I don’t know that she’ll ever live here. It’s been a long seven months. And I’m drained. Not only drained, but seriously behind in life, exhausted, and majorly out of shape and overweight.

I’ve spent two weeks preparing mentally and spiritually to turn over a new leaf. I will spend just as much time journaling my own life as I will reading about others’. I will get healthy again. I will get in shape again. I will stop missing out on life in a stupor of drained exhaustion. Once again, I will stop missing out on life missing out on life in a stupor of drained exhaustion.

Tomorrow I start my own exercise plan, and I’m going to give the South Beach diet a try. I’m not a fan of fad diets. But it makes sense. I really like the part about re-establishing insulin sensitivity, and changing metabolism. Overall, I just want to do something effective that is not bad for my heart, leaves me with more energy, and eventually leads to some goal reaching.

So here we go. Today I kept in positive spirit, even purchasing a new pair of earrings, and went to the grocery store for everything I needed to eat healthy all week and not cheat or skimp. Tomorrow morning I’ll have a spinach and cheese and mushroom omelette. And I’m running for 30 minutes.


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